It's my sister's birthday! So let's talk about Barney!

Today is July 30th, 2014. This means that my lovely sister, Abbie (who can be an absolute brat when she wants to be, but Lord knows I love her) is turning 24! I feel I am pretty qualified to talk about something she loved dearly. Before she went and achieved an Accounting degree at Drake University, and probably around the same time she first discovered her love of dance, there was a giant purple dinosaur that freaking loved everybody.

As far as my sister was concerned, in her childhood there were 3 things: dance, Pokèmon, and BARNEY!

(By the way, you may not want to do a Google Image search for Barney the Dinosaur, it may ruin your childhood).

Barney & Friends first aired in 1992, putting me at age 7 and, since I had already found Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and was about to discover Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in 1993, my addiction quota was already met, but Abbie (being age 2 in 1992) ate this up and immediately gravitated towards it. Even going so far as to recording episodes on *gasp* VHS. (and yes I would watch and get that freaking song stuck in my head, dammit!).

Anywho, the main thing I wanted to talk about with this (as it pertains to video games) is a game I remember (for better or for WORSE) playing a lot of with my sister: Barney's Hide & Seek Game for the Sega Genesis.

The game was released on June 1st, 1993. Believe me, my motor skills and video game playing were starting to become the stuff of legends and I was trying my best to take my sister under my wing. (In hindsight, maybe I should have picked a GOOD game, oh well).

After you hit start, you see the "Tips for Grown-ups", which probably should have just read "1. Don't buy this game and 2. Maybe those Pop-Rocks were a bad idea". Instead, they tell you that Barney is looking for 5 friends and 5 presents per level and then tell you how to control him to jump and play in basically the worst way ever (You move him left and right and use the buttons, now shut up and play).

Then we see a mini-Barney on a park bench when kids and Baby Bop (Inverse Barney? Nega-Barney? Anti-Barney? Based, of course, on color scheme) gather round, when Barney pulls a move right out of Power Rangers and magically grows to presumably terrorize the city, or you know, play Hide & Seek.

Then, Barney covers his eyes and starts counting as everyone runs away and shit explodes. Apparently Michael Bay had a hand in this. (Bazing! Man, I can't wait for the new Turtles movie).

Barney got back apparently!

If you're able to find all 5 kids and all 5 presents, you get a "special surprise", and, in the interest of keeping it clean, it's just balloons that explode. Seriously, it's a damn kids game, cmon!

If you didn't find them all, no worries, you couldn't lose in this game. You didn't have to even find the damn kids, who I presume are still hiding wondering where their friend-who-everyone-swears-is-"imaginary" could be. Imagine if Barney got hit by an equivalent of a Koopa Troopa and just died on screen, kids would still be having nightmares today.

When you do find one of the kids who are half-hidden and half-yelling "HEY, I'M RIGHT HERE YOU FREAKING IDIOT!" Barney picks them up and gives them a huge hug (again, keeping it clean...he HUGS them....but believe me, the jokes want to flow).

Ok, dude. You've been singing that song for a week straight now. PUT ME DOWN!

Barney couldn't even fall to his death, since he would hold up a convenient "Crossing-Guard-Style" Stop Sign when he couldn't do anything. Also there were traffic lights on clouds saying when you could or could not jump to the next platform. I imagine they were put in because some asshole Italian plumber decided to be a rebel and jump whenever he damn well pleased.

They did end up getting the actual voice actor, Bob West (no relation to Billy West for you voice actor aficionados ), to voice several phrases unique to this game, like naming every single thing you walk by. Barney was their generations Dora. (See? No original ideas anymore).

Just for fun, here is what a Barney's Hide & Seek Game speedrun looks like:

Look, the game is not very good. Though, it's easy for us to look back at this now and see how a game made for toddlers should be stupid and simple. That's not the point of this, however. I will always remember Barney's Hide & Seek Game as a game that my sister and I played and had fun with (mostly cause we made fun of it) and even though she is becoming a 24-year-old woman, she will always be my little sis. Plus, with her being so fond of Barney as a child, she will at least get a kick out of looking back at this.

Love you sis, Happy Birthday! Now let's get drunk and sing the Barney song!