With the help of video games, let's look at some of the typical resolutions that will be at the forefront of everyone's "To-Do" list for a maximum of 24 hours.
1. Lose Weight
As if I needed another reason to not go to the gym, stay away from gyms for the first week or so of the year, because every machine will be taken, every locker will be full, and there might not even be enough space to stretch. This is a temporary issue since the thought of getting all the right clothes on, loading up the car and driving across time, all while paying a substantial monthly membership fee, will deter many of these people and leave them thinking "This is who I am, dammit!"
Stay home, save money, and play the millions of fitness-centered games such as Wii Fit or Shape Up! or games that get you on your feet like Kinect Sports or Dance Central. No membership fees, no waiting for machines, and no trainers yelling at you while wearing a shirt 3 sizes too small.
2. Find Love
Many people will fall in love this year. Relationships will start and relationships will end. One thing remains constant though: dating sucks.
I mean the process of dating. Picking just the right place to go, wearing just the right thing, saying all the right things, hoping she's not a serial killer, you know, the basics. Then after the date is over (and the awkward 'will she kiss on a first date?', and 'What if I go for a hug and she reaches her hand out for a handshake and grabs my junk?' moments) you have to play it cool and not seem desperate by texting her within X amount of hours or you ruin whatever chance you may have had left after you admitted to your love of video games....
...yeah, dating sucks.
Instead, save your personal drama and heartache and watch fictional digital characters go through it. Your options are numerous, even going back to Super Mario Bros.
3. Quit Drinking
Have a little too much to drink for New Year's? (personal note: yes). Well, you aren't alone. Much like every time you have a little too much, you say "I'm never drinking again". Then proceed to do it all again the next weekend. One of these days, you'll get that girl's number if you keep buying her drinks. At some point, you've got to be the best looking guy in the bar...right?
Tell you what, save money (and your liver) and just get drunk in games like Mass Effect 2, Grand Theft Auto V, and Watch_Dogs. You won't have to try to remember that girl's name that happens to be sleeping next to you before you do the eventual "Hey...you" thing.
4. Quit Smoking
Along the same lines of alcohol, many people try a healthier lifestyle by ceasing use of tobacco (or are just fed up with paying so much for a pack of cigs). Many of these people will try and fail, finding it difficult to escape the warm embrace of nicotine. Some people will quit with help of a patch, others will try a step "down" with e-cigs or "Vaping" (which may be one of the worst phrases mankind has ever coined, much like "Infotainment").
If you are traveling down the path to clean lungs, then get your fix in the video game world. I mean c'mon, if Solid Snake, Duke Nukem, and Tychus Findlay light up, it's gotta be cool, right?
5. Travel
So much to do, so much to see. This big, beautiful world of ours is begging to be explored and eventually have all pictures posted on Facebook to brag about how much money we spent to look at mountains. Or, better yet, use Snapchat to send 50 images of a beach to your midwestern friends who obviously have no clue what sand is, you will look like a hero (see: douche).
So, you can overpack, lose luggage, get your seat kicked by a kid, pay way too much for souvenirs, get lost while in your rental car, almost miss your flights, and get food poisoning at the fancy restaurant you just HAD to try, or you could see an entire world for the fraction of the cost with World of Warcraft while also doing some good deeds for your fellow man, or orc, or elf, or goblin, or whatever.
6. Start a Family
If you were able to find love and get married, the next step may be to start having kids. Maybe it just feels right, maybe your parents are pressuring you, maybe it's the millions of unnecessary pictures your friends post on Facebook of how far along they are, or their ultrasound, or what clothes they bought for their baby, or "OMG THE BABY MOVED :) #SOCUTE #AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW".
Whatever the reason, it's a big responsibility and a lot of work to make sure your child/children grow up to be positive contributors to society. Or, at the very least, look really damn good and get a lot of money for looking real damn good.
Or just play The Sims, where you are just a point and click away from beauty perfection, or setting something on fire. Ah, the joys of being a parent.
7. Go Back to School
Further your education, start a new degree, finish a degree you've been putting off, give all your money to a university bookstore for one book that will be obsolete when second semester rolls around, or just prove why you were the "King of the Keg Stand" back in college, either way, it is never too late for learning.
Or you could just play Bully and take out all that pent up anger you had ever since Mike knocked your Shaquille O'Neal Trapper Keeper out of your hand and sent all your homework flying in the hall. Bastard.
8. Buy a Really Expensive Car (aka the "Midlife Crisis")
It never fails, and it's something I see all the time since I work in the auto business: that brand new Mustang, Corvette, Charger, whatever, looks really nice to the 40 - 60 year old demographic. Hey, I'm not judging since I have owned 2 Mustangs in my life. They could have saved money all their lives preparing for this moment or it could have been a "spur of the moment thing", but the end goal is simple: "I wanna bag that 24 year old skinny girl who may not know who Abraham Lincoln was but has a damn orgasm whenever that Nick Jonas song comes on".
More power to you, my friend. Though I'm betting the closest I am ever going to get to owning a Ferrari will be in the Forza or Gran Turismo series. While that may sound a little pessimistic, I come back with this: no monthly payments. WIN!
9. Renew Your Faith
Perhaps you want Sundays to be days of worship, perhaps you've had a really rough previous year and are turning to a higher power to see you through these dark times, or perhaps your chosen football team decided to suck this year and now you have Sundays free (we will get 'em next year, Bears). It can feel very rewarding to go to service, sing songs, meet new people, and feel renewed.
Me? I think I'd rather play Smite and watch the various historical gods throw lightning and fire and each other. Singing is optional and you don't have to worry about shaking strangers' hands.
10. Be More Fiscally Responsible
Did you realize you spend way too much money on things you may not need? (personal note: hahahahaha yeah right). Well, maybe you are taking steps to increasing your bank account number. Maybe you're buying non-named brand groceries, maybe you go out to eat less frequently, or maybe you shop at CostCo or Sam's Club and only buy in bulk, everyone needs that 5 gallon jar of mayonnaise after all.
Then you might be the type of person to hang out with the father (or, I guess uncle) of all penny-pinchers: Scrooge McDuck. Just be prepared for nephews trying to schmooze you for that money.
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People will make AND break these resolutions in the time it took me to write this post, so I keep my resolution simple and easy to maintain:
11. Play More Video Games
Ok, fine, twist my arm.
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